Why Sex Belongs In The Church

The church is created through suppressed human sexuality which is the reason why most churches look like gigantic penises.

The church is created through suppressed human sexuality which is the reason why most churches look like gigantic penises.

Photo Credit Carsten Graff. With Special Thanks to an anonymous Church in Copenhagen for hosting Erotic Church

“The madness started about a year ago when I was just about to finish my sermon,” the priest said when visiting me for coffee in my kitchen. “Suddenly, I felt a strange and highly inappropriate impulse. If I had followed the impulse, it would have destroyed my life forever.”

“Can you describe the impulse?” I asked while pouring him coffee.

“I feel embarrassed talking about it,” he said. “This is why I did all I could to suppress it. When everyone had left the church, I prayed with all my might that the impulse would never return.”

“And did it return?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “Despite my prayers, it returned several times in the following months. Every time it came back, it became more and more persistent. When I was standing in front of the congregation, a specific unfitting word momentarily sneaked into my mind. There it stayed lurking. If I was not careful it would slip out of my mouth. In the beginning, it was easy not to say that word, but gradually I had to use more and more willpower not to lose control. After about a year my impulse to say the dreadful word was so strong that I knew it would only be a matter of time before I could no longer control it. As a result, I would not only lose my reputation but also my job.”

“I feel confident that a man such as you must be a popular priest,” I said. “Are you sure that you would never be forgiven?”

“Yes,” he said. “There would be severe consequences, but reminding myself of the consequences didn’t help either. Every time I was confronted with the stern faces of the congregation sitting on the dark wooden benches in the church, the same thing happened. My mind started playing tricks and commanding me to say something terrible. In the end, I spent so much energy suppressing the impulse, that I could no longer focus when preaching.”

“Would it be possible for you to tell me what you wanted to say?” I asked.

“Yes …,” he said, lowering his voice. “I wanted to say: ‘Cunt’.”

“Cunt?” I said and smiled. “I can understand that could create some awkwardness.”

“Yes,” he said, shaking his head. “It must be the most vulgar word for a woman’s genitals in the English language. Not a word that should be spoken in church.”

“It’s exciting that such a small word can destroy what you have spent 20 years building up.”

“I know …,” the priest said considering it. “To avoid embarrassment, I developed coping strategies that helped me postpone the inevitable. Sometimes I managed to handle the situation by pinching myself very hard or by imagining that I was somewhere else. I also realized that masturbating just before church-service made it easier to control my urge while preaching. I have no idea why that worked.”

“I believe I understand why masturbation helped you,” I said, “but before I get to that, I need to know if you ever ended up saying ‘cunt’?”

“One day I was conducting a wedding ceremony and the urge to say the word became extraordinarily strong,” the priest said. “It accompanied me throughout the entire service. At the end of the ceremony, I was in a massive battle trying to restrain myself, when suddenly — to my great shock — I realized that I was also getting an erection. For a few seconds, I was looking at the happy couple standing right in front of me. My penis was erect, my mouth was open, and my heart was pounding. At that moment, I was completely off guard, and suddenly I heard myself address the groom and say:

‘You may now kiss the cun …’.

When I heard what I was saying, I was knocked out by panic, but I am confident that I never finished the dreadful word. Instead, everything went black, and I passed out. When I regained consciousness, I found myself lying on the cold stone floor of the church. Several worried faces were looking at me, and someone was trying to help me get back up on my feet again. While being supported out of the church, I realized that I needed a holiday. The next day I took two months of leave.”

“That sounds very dramatic,” I said. “How long ago did this happen?”

“About a month,” he said. “If I don’t find a way to deal with my disorder within the coming month, I am not going to be able to work again.”

“What have you been doing since you stopped preaching?”

“I talked to a psychologist,” the priest said. “He diagnosed me with something called coprolalia. He also made me take some medication, but it only makes me sleepy. I feel confident that the medication does not work.”

“Coprolalia is a disorder that makes a person say obscene words unintentionally,” I said. “I don’t think you have coprolalia.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because there is an intention behind you saying ‘cunt’.”

“An intention?!” he exclaimed. “That’s absurd.”

“To me, it sounds as if you are trying to compensate for something that is missing in the church.”

“What is missing and why would a terrible word compensate for that?”

“If your kids don’t clean up,” I said, “you help them focus on cleaning. If a friend is not honest, you will try to help them relate to the truth. We both agree urges like these are healthy and natural?”

“Yes, of course,” the priest said. “I understand you so far, but I don’t see what that has to do with my problem.”

“If a group of people are trying to avoid a certain and significant topic,” I said. “I am usually the one who ends up talking about it. Sometimes I decide not to say anything, but then I usually need to restrain myself to keep quiet.”

“Are you telling me that my urge to say this terrible word is an urge to address something that the church is trying to avoid?”

“Of course!” I said.

“But what I want to say does not have any meaning,” he said.

“I believe it has meaning,” I said. “Nothing has been more suppressed in churches than our genitals. When we try to suppress something, it usually pops up in strange places where it doesn’t belong. This is why we see so many cases of sexual assault in the church. The truth is that the church is created through suppressed human sexuality which is the reason why most churches look like gigantic penises.”

.When we try to suppress something, it usually pops up in strange places where it doesn’t belong.

“Are you telling me that there is nothing wrong with me?” the priest said, shaking his head.

“Yes,” I said. “You are, in fact, just a healthy person who is having a counter-reaction. Because I am sensitive like you, I usually also start thinking about sex as soon as I enter a church. I believe that we all have a soul and that it should live outside of conformity and definitions of right and wrong. In reality, it’s difficult finding a place where there is less room for the free spirit than the church.”

“I know that I am not a perfect child of God,” the priest said. “I masturbate, I watch porn, I notice it when I see a sexy woman in the street. In my younger days, I used to be sexually explorative with my wife. Still, I have never talked to anyone about it, and when I am in church, I pretend that I am a holy man living as a devoted servant of God.”

“Yes,” I said. “Naturally, your soul wants to break out of all the lies and the hypocrisy.”

“Ok,” the priest said, “but are you telling me that you think sex belongs in the church?”

“Not just sex,” I said, “but love and sex in unison — especially at weddings. When sex is connected to love it opens a divine force. Most people have the ability to connect to this force and we spend most of our lives longing for it. So why not let it be part of a sermon in a holy place like the church? Real intimate attraction is spirituality in action. If we learn how to handle attraction, it can purify and lift us. Experiencing love and sex with a woman is, in my view, the strongest possible spiritual experience. I think you should be proud that your God has chosen you to compensate for the hypocrisy within the church.”

“Ok,” he said, looking me straight in the eye. “You are now claiming that my loss of control in the church is an act of God?”

“A force that you are not in charge of is leading you,” I said. “Since you are in your God’s house, it would be reasonable to conclude that this force is your God.”

“I see …,” he said, thinking for a few moments. “What would you suggest I do if I want to come back and work as a priest again?”

“If you want to regain control, you have to let yourself be free,” I said. “Within the boundaries of the church, you need to create a space for freedom.”

“And how do I do that?”

“Do you still have the keys to the church?”

“Yes,” he said.

“How is your sex life with your wife?”

“As I said, my wife and I were experimenting a lot in the beginning,” he said, “but these days we rarely have sex more than once a month. Why is that important?”

“Earlier you said that masturbating before a sermon sometimes helped you stay in control,” I said. “I think releasing sexual tension inside the church will be more efficient than doing it before you enter the church. To solve your problem, you should go to the church once or twice a week after closing time, and make love to your wife. Create a love-nest with flowers, candles and music. Bring your wife into the church and make passionate love there. It will create space around the taboo, and with time you will regain control.”

For some time, the priest looked at me in total amazement.

“It sounds completely absurd,” he said, shaking his head.

“I know,” I said, “but I feel confident that it will work.”

“I’m desperate and ready to do anything even something as crazy as that,” the priest said, “but there is a problem.”

“What?”

“I am no longer attracted to my wife,” he said. “Being passionate will not be easy.”

“Are you attracted to other women?” I asked, “or are you perhaps gay?”

“No,” he said. “I’m not gay, but …”

For a few seconds, the priest fell silent.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“What I am going to tell you now is naturally strictly confidential,” he finally said, “but I have a secret lover. She is called Selena. I don’t see her very often.”

“Do you love Selena?”

“Yes,” he said. “She is a great woman, and there is a strong attraction between us.”

“Then everything is settled!” I said. “Bring Selena to your church! In that way, you will not only bring sex and love into the church but also adultery. Our natural urge to have more than one partner is another area that is heavily suppressed by the church. It’s about time that one of God’s men brings adultery into the church.”

When the priest called me a month later, he was already back to work. The coming Sunday, he wanted me to go to his church and witness his next sermon. When I arrived, he welcomed me and showed me to a seat in the first row. Beside me was a beautiful smiling lady who introduced herself as Selena. When the sermon started the priest looked relaxed and confident, and both Selena and I were excited when he ended his sermon.

“I am once again in charge,” the priest said when everyone else had left the church. “I no longer feel bad about pretending to be a holy man.”

“How often did the two of you have sex in the church?” I asked.

“The first week we only did it once,” Selena answered, “but then we got the hang of it and the second week we did it five times.”

“And it was great,” the priest added and sent Selena a smile. “After 2 or 3 times, I started feeling much more confident and in control when I was inside the church. Something also happened for Selena, but I don’t know if she will be ok if I tell you about it.”

“Of course, I will be ok,” Selena said. “Carsten is your therapist. So, I think we need to be completely transparent when talking to him.”

“Ok,” the priest said and looked at me before continuing. “The second time we had sex in the church Selena squirted while having an orgasm.”

“I never squirted before,” Selena added. “It was amazing.”

“That sounds perfect!” I cheered.

“But the therapy also had another interesting effect,” the priest said. “After Selena and I started making love in the church, I regained the attraction to my wife. We are not having sex every day, but sometimes twice a week. My wife is thrilled, but I don’t think I can explain why I opened up to her again.”

“That is a common consequence of adultery and the reason why adultery is healthy,” I said. “Monogamous relationships create emotional and sexual claustrophobia. Having multiple partners is a great and healing solution, but naturally, jealousy can become painful.”

“I have a question,” Selena said. “Would it be ok if we continue the treatment even though his disorder seems to have disappeared?”

“If you stop the treatment, the symptoms might come back,” I said. “So I would recommend that you continue.”

“Would it help the therapy if we explore different kinds of sex?” Selena asked.

“Yes,” I said, “but just remember that purely physical sex has very little substance. You need to create a loving space to create a healing effect. Turning the church into a sex club will never work. What did you have in mind?”

“I would like to explore bondage,” Selena said, “and I also have a weakness for being with a man who talks dirty to me.”

“If love can be the source of talking dirty,” I said, “then I am sure it will be a great spiritual experience.”

“I don’t know if I can engage in bondage …,” the priest said considering it. “I am not very skilled with knots and ropes.”

“I have some ropes in my car,” I said. “We can lock the church and I will teach you the basics. If you like, I can also teach you the basics of spanking and chocking.”

“Perhaps I am a little too shy for this,” the priest continued.

“I think you should listen to the recommendations of your therapist!” Selena interrupted while sending the priest a strict look. “It’s clear that he knows what he is talking about. We don’t want you to destroy your career because you are not ready to follow his prescriptions!”

Carsten Graff | Unhabitual Thinking | Intimate Explorer | Bali
Carsten Gaff Taboo-philosopher, unhabitual thinker and intimacy explorer. Graff is an award-winning author of more than…www.carstengraff.com