The Night I Lost My Sugardaddy Virginity
How I bought attraction by paying with generosity.
How I bought attraction by paying with generosity.
My sugar daddy profile picture. Credits: Carsten Graff
When years back I decided to become a sugar daddy, I only knew the basics of sugar dating: A sugar daddy is a wealthy man who dates and spoils beautiful women (so-called sugar babies). Now — years later — I have experienced basically anything imaginable within the boundaries of sugar dating. I have learned how money can create addiction, but also how money can create constructive dynamics in a relationship.
Ideally, a sugar daddy is a wealthy man but when setting up my dating profile I didn't try to stand out as wealthy. Naturally, I wanted to avoid attracting gold-diggers, and my strategy worked. Most of the women who wrote me seemed intelligent and down to earth. One of the first messages that caught my attention was from a 24-year-old woman who introduced herself as Veronica. Veronica sounded like she would be great to talk to and for a couple of days, we exchanged messages until she asked me if I would be ok if she would visit me in my flat. In her message she wrote:
… When we meet we can talk for an hour and then decide if we are attracted to each other. If there is no attraction I will just leave again, but if we are attracted to each other we can start dating. I am currently studying and working two jobs on the side. Therefore, I would like to be in a relationship with a man who will be ok with supporting me, by paying the rent for my room here, in London …
Most relationships are transactional
I understand that some people don’t like the transactional aspect of sugar dating, but who can honestly say that their relationship is in no way transactional? In most relationships, money plays a major role and many people are stuck in a destructive marriage because they cannot afford a divorce. Without knowing anything about sugar dating, I had been a sugar daddy for most of my ex-girlfriends — I paid for our rent, cars, holidays, and sometimes I had also given them pocket money. As opposed to my earlier relationships, the transactional aspect of sugar dating would be very visible and thereby much easier to control. When replying to Veronica, I told her that I was more than happy with her suggestion. If she and I initiated a relationship, it would become my pleasure to make her life easier by paying her rent.
When about a week later, Veronica was on her way to visit me I was a little on edge. You rarely talk directly about attraction on a first date. Doing so would be new to me and a truly interesting experiment. When the doorbell finally rang I was still not relaxed, but when seeing Veronica on my doorstep, I calmed down. Small-talking, I showed her to my living room, and soon we were sitting beside each other on my sofa talking casually about whatever came to mind.
“I have never had a normal relationship,” Veronica confessed. “I just hate the drama and jealousy that is usually the consequence of being someone’s girlfriend. Meeting like this once in a while feels much more exciting.”
“This is my first sugar date,” I said. “Meeting you today took me out of my comfort zone but in a good way. Have you been sugar dating before?”
“Yes,” she said. “Over the last three years, I have had two sugar daddies, but I don’t see any of them anymore.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Both of them wanted a normal relationship,” she said. “One of them even wanted me to move in with him and have kids. The thought made me claustrophobic. I love intimacy, but I am also a bit of a hermit.”
Measuring attraction
While we continued the conversation, we both forgot time and place, and suddenly I realized that we had been talking for an hour. Curiously, I decided to move to a more vulnerable topic.
“We agreed that we would talk about the attraction between us,” I said. “Would you be fine if I say something about the way I feel right now?”
“Please do!” she said. “I’m excited to hear how you feel.”
“I think you are both beautiful, intelligent and great to talk to,” I said, “but I have to admit that I don’t feel any attraction. If you and I started being physical, it wouldn’t be natural. I know you have spent much time preparing for this meeting and that it took almost 40 minutes for you to get here. I’m sorry that I have wasted your time.”
“Not at all!” she said and smiled. “These were the rules, and I agree that the spark is not really there.”
“I know we agreed that I would only support you if there was attraction and if we decided to continue in a relationship,” I said and pointed at an envelope on the table in front of us, “but I want to support you anyway. In the envelope, there is money to pay for one month’s rent. You can consider it a present.”
“Are you sure?!” she asked in surprise.
“Yes,” I said. “I really enjoyed meeting you this way. If you would like to leave now, it will be fine. Perhaps you can visit me another time.”
“Thank you so much!” she said, sending me a big smile while taking the envelope. “That’s very generous of you, and I would genuinely like to stay and talk more.”
“That’s great,” I said. “Do you want tea?”
“Yes please!” she said, and while I made tea, she kicked off her heels and made herself comfortable on the sofa. “Since I was a child, I have been writing poems,” she continued, “and would love to hear your opinion about my writing. I have some of them on my phone.”
Finding attraction
During the next hour, we were having tea while once more engaging in conversation. Despite Veronica’s youth, she was an old soul with a highly reflective mind. Being around an empathic beauty who had such capacity to reflect when talking about almost any topic made me relax. After a couple of hours on my sofa, she also told me that she liked singing. On her request, I found my guitar and for some time I played while she sang.
“I feel it now!” she said when I put away the guitar.
“Feel it?”
“Yes,” she said and smiled. “I am attracted to you now.”
For a few seconds, we looked at each other before I understood. When looking into her eyes it was clear that we had both opened ourselves up, and while singing and playing the spark had come sneaking in. With a smile, I gave her hand a squeeze, and a second later we were kissing passionately.
“I have to admit something,” she said while hugging me. “When I arrived I was nervous about the money. I felt obliged to provide some kind of service in exchange.”
“I know,” I said, “but when the money was out of the way we both relaxed and became ourselves.”
“Yes,” she said. “What turns me on about a man is naturally not his money, but his generosity and the fact that he wants to help me.”
A moment later we were kissing again and when Veronica suggested that we move to my bedroom I picked her up and carried her there. In my bed, we spent a long time cuddling while continuing the conversation. When meeting a new partner, I like to build up anticipation and meet a few times to get to know each other. With Veronica’s curious and energetic touch, it seemed absurd trying to postpone intimacy. While getting rid of our clothes, I found a condom in my bedside drawer and soon she was making so much noise that I felt confident that my neighbours were enjoying her visit too.
The perfect work-life balance
“I just had a crazy thought,” I said when later we were cuddling while having a break.
“What kind of thought?” she asked.
“Have you considered that we are both at work right now?” I asked.
“At work? In what way?”
“I am a writer and while I am exploring sugar dating I can see that it’s well worth writing about,” I said. “You are in a transactional relationship making it possible to pay your rent. In that way, we are both making money while having a great time.”
“That’s interesting!” she said, laughing. “What we are doing right now is, in reality, just another day at the office for both of us!”
“Yes!” I said. “We have just found the perfect work-life balance.”
It was past midnight when Veronica and I got out of bed. Before she left, we had a quick tea in the living room.
“This was such a positive experience,” she said putting her arms around me.
“Yes,” I said, kissing her gently. “A great evening and the perfect way to lose my virginity as a sugar daddy.”
When once more I was alone in my flat, I felt very peaceful. Throughout the evening, I had understood several important differences between a regular date and a sugar date. If Veronica and I had been on a regular date, one of us would probably start worrying about the other person being interested or not. Tonight’s meetings had been structured through a financial transaction. Thanks to this, neither of us had been activating our conventional relationship patterns. There was no doubt that Veronica and I cared genuinely for each other but having such an upfront transaction between us created dynamics I had never experienced before. On one hand, it created freedom, but on the other hand, it made my experience with Veronica less intimate and thereby less vulnerable. Veronica didn't like relationship drama and this was one of the reasons why she preferred sugar dating to a conventional relationship.
Before going to bed, I checked my inbox on the sugar dating site. To my astonishment, it was practically overflowing with messages from women asking me out for dates. As a fledgling sugar daddy, I realized that I needed to be disciplined. Naturally, I wanted to see Veronica again, but it would be necessary for her and me to have an open relationship. Otherwise, there would be too many potential learning experiences that I would miss out on.
Carsten Graff | Unhabitual Thinking | Intimate Explorer | Bali
Carsten Gaff Taboo-philosopher, unhabitual thinker and intimacy explorer. Graff is an award-winning author of more than…www.carstengraff.com