How I Perform As a Professional Lover

A highly controversial approach to sexual healing for a rape victim.

A highly controversial approach to sexual healing for a rape victim.

Photo belongs to the Author

“I read somewhere that you have a highly controversial approach to sexual healing,” Emely said when she met me for a conversation in my kitchen. Emely was 26 years old. When she was 16, a drunk guy pushed her into a guest bedroom and forced himself on her. Ten years later she was still struggling with trust issues. “Could you tell me how you work?”

“It depends on the situation,” I said. “but sometimes I work as a sexual surrogate or surrogate lover.”

“Surrogate lover?” she asked. “What does that mean?”

“It means that I work in the field between lovemaking and therapy,” I said.

“So, if you were going to help me,” she said, “how would you then approach it?”

“I would create a space where you and I could be intimate without you having to relate to my needs,” I said. “In this way, you could explore intimacy entirely on your own terms.”

“But the rapist destroyed my ability to be close to men,” she said. “I have tried several times, but I become numb and full of fear. Last time I panicked and became breathless. The guy took my reaction as a sign that I was turned on. This naturally made the whole situation much worse. As I was in a panic it was impossible for me to say ‘stop’ or to tell him how I feel.”

“Most people have a hard time communicating verbally during sex,” I said. “Sexuality diminishes the intellect. This can be bliss, but can also become dangerous if it spins out of control.”

“I read somewhere that some women experience sexual pleasure during rape,” she said. “I just don’t understand how that is possible. When I was raped it not only hurt like hell, but I was also paralyzed with fear.”

“If someone forces you to eat ice-cream you might still like the taste,” I said. “An experience that does not include consent can still include an aspect of pleasure. I once met a woman who had an orgasm during rape. In a fearful and stressful situation, a victim’s body can react in unpredictable ways to a sexual touch. As you can imagine, this can lead to both confusion and shame.”

“Can you tell me how some men are capable of raping a woman?” she asked. “How can anyone find pleasure in having sex with someone who is afraid?”

“A rapist is usually unable to handle real intimacy,” I said. “He is not only afraid of women but also intimidated by them. In order to live out his sexuality, he needs a victim who is afraid and withdrawn. Many rapists would not be able to perform sexually in a normal loving relationship and could in that respect be considered impotent.”

“The guy who raped me didn’t seem afraid at all,” she said. “He was aggressive and very demanding.”

“Aggression is one of the many ways to keep other people at a distance,” I said. “You cannot harm someone and keep your heart open at the same time. Otherwise harming others would be too painful for the aggressor.”

“What happened at that dreadful party 10 years ago destroyed my life,” she said. “I wish to have a boyfriend and children, but if I can’t open up it will never happen.”

“You need to open up step by step and not expect too much,” I said. “If you are attracted to women, it might be easier for you to start out by having sex with another woman.”

“I am curious with women,” she said, “but I would prefer to have my first sexual experience with a man. This is why I wanted to meet you, but I am still not sure I understand how you would work with me.”

“Ok,” I said. “If you want to meet me as a surrogate lover, we can meet next Wednesday at 8 pm at my place. If you decide to come back you can just go in and I will receive you in the bedroom. You will decide how much you want to undress and you can touch my body in any way you like. I will be completely passive and will not expect anything from you. If you want me to touch you, you can take my hands and guide them to the places on your body that you want me to touch. I might or might not be turned on, but you don’t have to worry about me having pleasure or not. The only agenda we have for that meeting is for you to explore intimacy on your terms. During the meeting, we will not talk and will have no expectations of any kind of sexual response from each other. Whenever you want, you can stop, leave, slow down or open up more. If we both become aroused, we can also have sex, but you will be in charge. There will be a condom on the table beside the bed. If you are not comfortable putting it on, I will help you. After one hour together, my alarm clock will go off, and you will get dressed and leave. I want you to digest the meeting for a week. After that, we can talk on the phone if you like and share what we experienced. The purpose of the process will be for you to regain trust in men and in yourself during sex. It’s important that we don’t grow any attachment to each other and develop a routine or relationship. Because of this, we can only meet in this way a maximum of three times and can never meet in a social context.”

For a long time, she stared at me before responding.

“It sounds like something that might be able to open me up,” she said. “But how can I be sure that you will follow the rules when I am in your bedroom? I am not saying that I don’t trust you but …”

“I completely understand your concerns,” I said. “I can send you the contact information of some of my other clients. You can ask them about their experiences before deciding to go further with this. You can also invite one of them to be in the room with us while we meet for the first session.”

One week later, I’m lying on my back on my bed when Emely enters my bedroom. Carefully and with almost no sound, she closes the door behind her. With a shy smile, she sits on the edge of my bed. We have exactly one hour before the alarm clock beside my bed goes off. For a moment, she studies me before taking off her blouse. I am not turned on, but her presence opens me up. While she continues to undress, I close my eyes and try to connect to her through my other senses. After some time, her hand gently touches my chest. The sensation is intense, and within seconds her hand seems to be burning through my skin. While clearing my mind of any agendas I open myself further. Her touch triggers sensations that flood my brain and send sparks down my spine. This is not the touch of an experienced woman, but the powerful touch of a virgin who is trying to open up for the very first time.

She lies down beside me, and for some time, we both acclimatize. With time, her shyness leaves her, and when she touches me again, her touch has become firmer. I look at her and smile. Her eyes are clouded. This is Emely’s intimacy research laboratory, and she does not need to acknowledge my existence. She sits up beside me, reaches out for my hand and moves it to her breast. My touch is open and in no way insistent or desirous. For a long time, she is experimenting and exploring. At first, she tickles my chest with her long hair before studying my face to see what kind of reaction this creates. Next, she kisses me — first on my hands, then on my belly before kissing my mouth. I respond to her kiss, but I don’t take charge. With growing confidence, she becomes more and more playful, and with her playfulness, I open and become hard.

When she sits on top of me, I am still passive, but my body responds to her movements. For some time, she uses my body to open herself further before taking both my hands using them to stroke her shoulders, arms, breasts and thighs. I am doing nothing to stimulate her, but I engage while letting her stimulate herself using my hands. Curiously she puts one of my hands between her legs, pushing a finger inside. Her breath becomes heavy, and after some time it transforms into a moan. Gradually her movements become more and more persistent. I am only opening to a certain extent. In our mutual space, I am not expecting anything. I feel like an observer seeing it all from the outside. If she would suddenly withdraw and leave me, I would be happy to see that she is acting according to her own free will. She senses the freedom we create, and it opens her up. As exploration turns into lovemaking, I am enjoying her playfulness and progress. She is not a traumatized woman having trust issues with men. When given this space, Emely is a confident lover fully capable of opening up.

This thrilling space is a confirmation that sex and love in unison is an effective medicine for healing the scars of a painful past. This is Emely's space, without right and wrong, and it is reigniting her trust — not in me, but in masculine sexuality. She is sitting on top of me when she reaches for the condom, but her face tells me that she needs my help. When she gives it to me I put it on before once more letting Emely take charge. For years she has been saving up for this, and in almost no time she reaches her climax — first small spasms, then her body starts shaking all over, her arms reaching out beside her. Digging her nails into my skin, she grounds herself before becoming pure feminine, raw passion on the brink of explosion. Her loud moans fill the room before she collapses on top of me. She is coming down. Light perspiration makes her skin shimmer. She is half asleep when my alarm clock suddenly goes off. Our time is up, and the session is over. Slowly and gently, she kisses me before cautiously drawing away. Before leaving my bedroom, she turns around and smiles. A moment later, I hear the front door close softly behind her.

I am once more alone.

This story was shared with the permission of Emely. Her name has been changed to protect her privacy.

Carsten Graff | Unhabitual Thinking | Intimate Explorer | Bali
Carsten Gaff Taboo-philosopher, unhabitual thinker and intimacy explorer. Graff is an award-winning author of more than…www.carstengraff.com