My First Job As a Professional Boyfriend

And how I lost a new and potentially great enemy.

And how I lost a new and potentially great enemy.

Isabella, Carsten and Linda

“I read somewhere that you have a highly unconventional approach to conflicts in relationships,” Linda said, letting out a sigh and settling in an armchair in my living room. “My ex-husband Nick is terrorising me, and I am in a desperate need of help.”

“In my view conflicts are the most important aspect of any relationship,” I said. “We all need them to grow and should, therefore, appreciate conflicts much more.”

“I have too many conflicts to be able to appreciate them,” Linda said. “Nick and I divorced two years ago, and he is still terribly jealous. He stalks me, threatens me and makes my life hell. Last time he came to my house I had to call the police, and while they dragged him away, he created a scene that made most of my neighbours come out.”

“Have you and Nick ever been to a therapist?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said, “but Nick is very intelligent. He can make any therapist believe that I am a drama queen who is creating all the trouble.”

“How does Nick react if you are dating other men?” I asked.

“Other men?!” she exclaimed, shaking her head. “As long as Nick is stalking me, there is no room for a boyfriend in my life. Nick is not only a psycho but also a blackbelt in karate. If a new man gets near me, he will go after the guy.”

“You need to find yourself a boyfriend,” I said. “Nick will not withdraw until he understands that there is another man in your life.”

“But who would be able to handle all the drama that Nick creates?” she asked.

“How about me?” I asked. “I would be happy to act as your boyfriend. When Nick is out of your life, you can then go and find yourself a real boyfriend.”

“You!?” she exclaimed, staring at me for a moment before continuing: “I don’t think you understand how crazy Nick is.”

“Perhaps,” I said, “but my life is very quiet at the moment. A bit of drama will do me good.”

“Nick will not just create a bit of drama,” she said. “He will terrorise you and become your worst enemy.”

“I don’t have any enemies at the moment,” I said. “It would be great to have a new enemy.”

“That sounds absurd?” she asked. “Are you now telling me that you don’t mind having enemies?”

“Yes,” I said. “As I said; we should all appreciate conflicts more and I believe enemies are as important as friends. Friends are the people who help you to preserve your illusions about yourself, but your enemies help you to expose those illusions. As I enjoy puncturing my illusions, I always welcome new enemies.”

“Ok,” Linda said. “If you are looking for an enemy, you can count on Nick.”

“Perfect!” I said. “When can I meet him?”

“Perhaps Saturday afternoon …,” she said. “I have friends over for a barbeque, and I feel sure Nick will show up uninvited.”

“Ok,” I said. “I will be there to hold your hand while you and I create the necessary romantic atmosphere.”

“That’s very brave of you,” she said, “but let me know how much you are going to charge me for pretending to be my boyfriend?”

“If I can help solve your problem you can pay me what you think it was worth for you.”

“So, no-cure-no-pay?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“We have a deal!” she said, “but don’t underestimate Nick. He not only stalks me, but he also spies on me. It will not take him long to find out that you and I are not in a real relationship.”

“I have an effective solution for that.”

“What kind of solution?”

“You and I can just create a real relationship.”

“Are you serious?!” she exclaimed. “Are you suggesting that you will take me out for romantic dates and hold my hand in the cinema?”

“Why not?” I said. “I am sure we will have a great time. After being stalked by Nick for two years, you can do with a bit of fun and tenderness. Besides that, a real relationship will make our arrangement much more authentic and make Nick withdraw faster.”

“It sounds far out …,” she said, thinking about it.

“Is that a yes?” I asked.

For a few seconds, she looked at me before nodding.

“That’s great!” I said. “Before we proceed, I’d better tell you that I am currently in an open relationship with another woman. So, at the moment, I can only offer you an open relationship.”

“An open relationship will be fine for me,” she said, “but what about your other girlfriend? Isn’t she going to be jealous?”

“No,” I said. “She is non-possessive like me. You and I can meet her soon, but be careful, she is bi-sexual, and she might try to seduce you.”

A few days later, I was hanging out in Linda’s garden when her friends arrived. While we waited to see if Nick would show up, Linda became more and more tense.

“There he is!” Linda whispered and reached for my hand. When I followed her gaze, I saw a tall man wearing a suit and smart glasses. With self-confidence, he marched directly towards Linda and me. When he was a few meters away, he noticed Linda’s hand in mine. The sight made him frown before stopping him in his tracks, but only for a split second. When he once more approached us, his eyes were flaring behind his glasses.

“Who is the idiot!?” he asked Linda, not looking at me.

“The idiot’s name is Carsten,” Linda said in a calm and friendly voice. “He is my new boyfriend.”

“What the fuck?!” Nick said, staring at me with an open mouth. “What do you think you are doing here?”

For a moment, I tried to figure out how to respond to his question. Telling him that I was looking for a new enemy would probably destroy the good atmosphere. While I was still trying to work out an appropriate response, Nick spoke to me again:

“Do you understand that you are not welcome here?!” he asked.

Before I could respond to any of his questions, he went off to talk to some of the other guests. For some time he was glaring at me from a distance. There was no expression on his face, but the situation clearly had an effect on him, and gradually sweat started pouring down his forehead. In every possible way, he looked like a ticking timebomb soon ready to go off.

“That bastard made my life hell for so many years!” Linda whispered. “He deserves what is coming to him!” With a theatrical gesture, she put her arms around me and kissed me passionately on the mouth. When once more we looked in the direction of the ticking bomb, he was gone. “Wow!” Linda said when a little later, we were both confident that Nick had left. “I have no idea what he is going to do next, but I’m sure it will be something dramatic.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Perhaps text me that he will commit suicide,” she said, “and tell me to say goodbye to the kids for him. He might also show up later tonight, smash a window and break into my house trying to persuade me to have sex with him.”

“Ok,” I said. “It sounds like now is the perfect time for you and me to move in together.”

“Are you serious?!” she said while laughing nervously. “You must be a masochist?”

Later that evening, when Nick approached a window in Linda’s house, I opened it from the inside greeting him:

“Welcome!” I said. “You don’t need to break the window. The door is open.”

“What the fuck?!” he once more exclaimed looking completely baffled. “Why are you still here?”

“Linda said you would probably come around again this evening,” I said. “So I promised to let you in, but be quiet. Linda and the kids are sleeping. Do you want coffee?”

Nick didn’t give the impression of being a coffee person, and while he hurried away, he once more looked like a ticking timebomb.

“Call me!” I shouted while he jumped into his car and slammed the door before driving off at hazardous speed.

“I think your cure might actually be working!” Linda said when she called me a few days later. “Nick came around yesterday and demanded to know everything about you. I told him a few things, and he started reading about you online. He said a lot of bad things about you, but he seemed more relaxed than I have seen him for a long time. We had an almost mature conversation about the children, and when I wanted him to leave, I didn’t need to call the police.”

“Did you give him my phone number?” I asked.

“I didn’t have to,” she said. “He already had it.”

“Great!” I said. “Let’s hope he gets in touch. Otherwise, I will call him.”

The following days I didn’t hear from Nick, and after a week, I became worried that my new enemy had already abandoned me. When two weeks had passed, I was on the brink of calling him when finally, he sent me a text message. In the message, he told me to meet him the next day on a bench in a local park. There was something he wanted to show me — something that he claimed would make me stop dating Linda.

When we met in the park the next day, Nick was still sweaty but looked calmer, and when he sat down, he even managed to send me a fake smile.

“I will show you something …,” he said while desperately holding on to the smile, “but first I want you to know that I will give you the chance to escape this without any embarrassment.”

On his phone, he showed me a picture of my girlfriend and me sitting at a café drinking tea while holding hands. In the next picture, I was sitting in Linda’s garden, kissing Linda intensely. The photos were taken from a great angle, and both Linda and Isabella looked stunning in the pictures. No doubt, Nick was a great photographer.

“Great work!” I complimented him. “Can you send me copies?”

“I believe that your girlfriend’s name is Isabella,” Nick said, not being entirely happy with my lack of panic. “I am sure you can imagine how Linda will react when she sees the pictures. As I said, I will be fair and give you the chance to break up with Linda before I show her the pictures. If you break up with her today, I might also consider not exposing you to Isabella.” For a few seconds, his fake smile almost looked real before he continued. “In the future, I advise you to be more careful when choosing your enemies.”

“I always am,” I said. “I am delighted with the way you have approached this. You are putting an impressive amount of work into maintaining our enemyship.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!” he exclaimed, losing the smile. “Don’t you understand that these pictures will destroy the illusions you are creating with Linda and Isabella?”

While he was talking, I took out my phone and showed him a picture of Linda and Isabella french-kissing each other.

“What the FUCK?!” he shouted, almost dropping his phone.

“I know you are a better photographer,” I explained, “but you should come around next time the three of us meet and take some pictures yourself. The girls are all over each other these days.”

“Why are you manipulating Linda in this way?” he said while trying to get his phone back into his pocket. “I want you to leave her immediately!”

“If you are serious about destroying my relationship with Linda, you need to spend some time finding my weak spots.”

“Ok …,” he said, “but then tell me about your weak spots?”

“I believe that kidnapping, murder, torture and burning down my house are weak spots,” I said, “but if you are considering doing things like that, we should agree on some clear rules.”

“Rules!?” he said looking completely lost.

“Yes,” I said. “Rules of misconduct that will ensure that we both know what to expect from each other. Should we, for instance, agree that we will sabotage each other’s cars or make evil pranks with each other? Are you going to keep spying on me and do you expect me to spy on you as well? Should we actively avoid each other? Should we try to destroy each other’s careers? Would you also like to be the enemy of my family and friends? If so, I can connect you so you can build up bad karma with them as well.”

“No need,” he said, “They haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Ok,” I said. “That’s helpful to know, but how should we proceed when we see each other in the future? When we met at Linda’s barbeque, I noticed that you started out by ignoring me.”

“Naturally I did,” he said.

“Let’s imagine that one day we meet randomly in a big city on the other side of the planet, would you still be able to ignore me then?”

“Hmm …,” he said, considering it. “It might be difficult.”

“So, you will ignore me in this country,” I said, “but will acknowledge my existence if we met in another country? How far from here do we need to go for you to acknowledge me? One hundred kilometres or perhaps a thousand?”

“I don’t know,” he said, “and I don’t care.”

“Don’t you want clear lines?” I asked.

“Yes, but …”

“If we make a precise agreement now on what conventions we will follow to stay enemies,” I said, “it will be much easier to stay enemies in the future.”

“Ok,” he said, narrowing his eyes, “what do you suggest?”

“When we meet, I don’t mind if you ignore me,” I said, “but would it be ok if I give you a hug?”

While we continued the process of defining our enemyship, Nick progressively opened up to the idea. Obviously, he had many enemies. Having a creative brainstorming session about all the evil aspects of tormenting other people opened him up. After about half an hour, he started to sound as if he had recovered from the disappointment of not yet being able to destroy my relationship with Linda. While generating ideas of innovative ways to spread fake rumours about each other, he suddenly suggested that we should go to a café and continue the conversation over coffee. When a moment later we arrived at the café and sat down, Nick changed the subject of our conversation. First, he told me how he and Linda had first met, and then he told me about their love life. As he was telling me more and more, I started to realise that something was going wrong. Nick was no longer relating to me as his enemy, and it naturally worried me. After telling me his story about Linda, he started sharing some of his personal problems before asking for my advice. The way he exposed himself naturally gave me some insights into his weak spots but also had the negative effect that I started sympathising with him. When he told me that his life without Linda felt empty, I even started feeling sorry for him. At this point, it became more than clear that I had blown it. Because of my carelessness, a promising new enemyship had now been destroyed. When we eventually left the café, I made a discrete attempt to revive hostility by reminding Nick that I was not his friend, but his enemy. To my frustration, this only made him claim that I had misunderstood the situation. According to Nick, he had never been angry at me, and he saw no reason to continue the conflict.

On the way home, I realised how vulnerable and fragile the bond between enemies can be. In my ignorance, I had tried to strengthen a conflict through transparency and honesty. Now I fully understood that my approach had been wrong, but this was only the beginning of the disaster. A few days later, Linda called and told me that Nick was behaving much better. Because of this, she fired me and told me to send her the bill. She also told me that she and Isabella would soon be going away on a romantic holiday together.

In this way, my first job as a professional boyfriend ended in tragedy. Not only did I lose a great potential enemy, but was also fired from my job while being kicked out of my new-found threesome with Linda and Isabella. Being a professional boyfriend was not as easy as I had imagined. If I wanted to continue in this line of work I would have to accept that there was a steep learning curve ahead of me.

Carsten Graff | Unhabitual Thinking | Intimate Explorer | Bali
Carsten Gaff Taboo-philosopher, unhabitual thinker and intimacy explorer. Graff is an award-winning author of more than…www.carstengraff.com