Hands-on Sexual Education For a Virgin

I define myself as a so-called surrogate lover and work in the spectrum between sex and therapy.

I define myself as a so-called surrogate lover and work in the spectrum between sex and therapy.

Elena participated in this photoshoot on the condition that her face was not shown. Photo: Johan Svensson

A surrogate sex partner can engage sexually with a client to help increase sexual awareness, heal sexual traumas or ignite latent sexuality. Not many people have the skills and ethics required to work in this profession, and at the moment, there is no formal education. This is the true story of a woman who was my client for six months with the purpose of losing her virginity.

“What does it mean to be a surrogate sex partner?” Elena asked when sitting on my sofa in my living room. Elena was 23 years old, studied at the University of London and made a living as a bartender.

“A surrogate sex partner can have therapeutic sex with his clients,” I said, pouring her a cup of tea before sitting on the sofa beside her. “I prefer to call myself a ‘surrogate lover’ because I only work with people with whom I feel a caring and trustful connection. If love is not involved, the experience easily becomes mechanical.”

“What is the difference between a surrogate lover and a prostitute?”

“What I do differs from prostitution in several ways,” I said. “For a prostitute, the goal is to create sexual pleasure. For a surrogate lover, the goal is to create sexual self-awareness.”

“A few weeks ago, I didn’t know that something like this existed,” she said. “I have a secret, and you might be the right person to help me.” She sipped her tea for a moment before continuing: “Even though I am 23 years old and have had many offers from guys, I am still a virgin. I haven’t even kissed anyone yet.”

“Many people choose to wait for sex,” I said. “I read somewhere that around 15 percent of the population are still virgins at 26. Do you see it as a problem being a virgin?” (Note: Link to statistics)

“No,” she said. “For me, it has been a conscious choice. Most of my friends had their first sexual experience in their teens drunk at parties. I don’t drink alcohol, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to have my first sexual experience with a guy my age. A month ago, I started looking for someone who could give me a great initial experience of sex and intimacy. When I read about your work, I wanted to meet you in person.”

“I wish I had been as clear-minded as you when I was younger,” I said. “When I had sex for the first time, I was 16 and very drunk. The girl thought I had lots of experience, but I was too nervous to tell her the truth. When we finally got undressed, I was unable to get an erection. Afterwards, I was in agony for weeks thinking that there was something wrong with me.”

“This is exactly the kind of confusion and frustration I want to avoid,” she said. “Sex is very important to me, and I don’t want to risk destroying anything by having sex with the wrong guy.”

“I would be honoured to work with you,” I said.

“But how much would you charge me for this?” she said. “I am still studying and don’t have much money.”

“I don’t do this for a living, and you can pay what you can afford,” I said. “When being intimate, you can easily create emotional chaos. Payment makes it clear that we are developing a professional space and not a relationship.”

“That’s great,” she said. “I think this could work for me.”

“Is there anything in particular that you would like to learn?”

“As I have no experience I don’t know where to start,” she said. “Perhaps I would like to learn how to kiss.”

“For some people kissing is more intimate than penetration,” I said, “but if you want to start with a kiss, I will be happy to show you.”

“I don’t know if I want to undress for the first session,” she said. “Kissing sounds like the right start for me, but when do we start?”

“That will be up to you,” I said. “You might want to move forward today, but you might also prefer to go home and think about it before making a new appointment.”

“If I go home I will overthink it and change my mind,” she said. “If you have time we could start now, but should we just sit on the sofa or do you want us to go to your bedroom?”

“Here is fine,” I said. “I think we will both be more relaxed sitting on the sofa. Just remember that we can stop at any time.”

“I will …,” she said nodding. For some time, we were silent. When I looked into her eyes, her cheeks turned red. Slowly she leaned towards me, and I put my arms around her until she gradually started to relax.

“This is very unusual for me,” she said. “Give me a moment.”

As I was holding her, I could sense the beating of her heart. Slowly she became more and more relaxed before looking up at me.

“Ok,” she said. “I think I might be ready now.”

When my lips touched hers, I carefully let the tip of my tongue caress her lips. At first, she behaved like a client in a dentist’s chair. With her mouth wide open, she was doing nothing to engage.

“How does that feel?” I asked.

“It tickles,” she said, “but I like it.”

“Tell me if anything bothers you,” I said, “and if not then try to engage a little more.”

“Is there a technique I should follow?”

“In my view, it’s better not to use a technique,” I said. “French kissing is a little like licking a lollipop. While kissing, you need to work out how you can engage while maximizing the pleasure. Try just to enjoy the softness and the sensation of being this close to another person.”

Once more, we started kissing while she cautiously started to respond. After some time we withdrew, and she smiled.

“It’s like dancing,” she said. “As you are the man, shouldn’t you lead the dance?”

“When kissing it doesn’t have to be the man leading,” I said. “A kiss is as personal as a fingerprint, and it says a lot about a person. A woman’s kiss usually tells me if she is empathic, caring, honest, passionate, introvert, self-conscious, or if she is dominant or submissive.”

“What do you sense when kissing me?”

“Right now, you are naturally a little shy,” I said, “but I sense you are a very powerful and brave person. You probably often experience that people are intimidated by your honesty.”

“Yes,” she said. “I always say what I think, but how is it possible to sense if someone kissing you is honest?”

“It’s hard to explain,” I said, “but an honest kisser devotes herself in another way than a dishonest one. When kissing a truly honest woman, it feels like the rest of the world ceases to exist.”

“I’ve heard about a palm-reader,” she said smiling, “but I’ve never heard of a kiss-reader. Can we try once more? This time I will try to take the leading role.”

When we kissed again, she had become much more confident.

“I wonder what makes a kiss pleasurable,” she said when we had stopped. “With most people sharing spit like this would be disguising. Why does it feel good between you and me?”

“Because we have mutual attraction,” I said. “If there was no attraction, this would not feel nice.”

“Do you have mutual attraction with most women?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “Only very few, but when you arrived today, I knew that we had a special bond that makes something like this possible. If this bond had not been there, it wouldn’t have been a good idea to proceed.”

“So, what does it mean to have attraction?” she asked. “Can attraction be explained?”

“If you believe that humans have a soul,” I said, “I would say that mutual attraction is an energy that appears when two souls sense that they have something they want to share. To share, they need to merge. When they are in the process of merging, it becomes natural to share bodily fluids, and it becomes pleasurable to touch each other.”

“Do you think it has any influence on the energy between us that I am a virgin,” she asked.

“It certainly does,” I said. “A virgin has no experience merging with another person. When she touches a man, she is extra cautious and conscious. This creates stronger energy and is the reason a man can never hope for a stronger intimate experience than the touch of a virgin.”

“This must be why most people can remember their first kiss and the first time they had sex,” she said.

For a little while, we were kissing again. This time she was improvising and had become much more playful.

“How am I doing?” she asked when we stopped once again.

“You are relaxing now, and I sense that you are aware of your boundaries,” I said. “Perhaps this is enough kissing for now.”

“So, what is next?”

“We can go in any direction you want,” I said. “How do you feel right now?”

“I feel a little exhilarated, and I still want to continue,” she said. “Can you show me how to stimulate you?”

“Of course,” I said. “First, I will show you how I stimulate myself. Afterwards, you can try to do the same.”

“Ok,” she said. “It might be a strange request, but can I take off my blouse? I think that will make me relax.”

“You can do whatever makes you feel good,” I said while taking my trousers off, “and if at some point you want to stop let me know.”

Carefully she took off her blouse and sat on her knees beside the sofa to be able to see.

After I had shown her how I satisfy myself, I guided her hand, showing her how to do the same and how to apply the right kind of pressure.

“If you start getting tired you can change your grip or use your other hand,” I said. “An erect dick usually lubricating itself, but when we are this relaxed, it might not happen. Keep an eye on the head, and if it dries out, you can always apply some of your spit.”

For some time, she kept practising while staring at her hand, looking very concentrated.

“I think it looks dry,” she said. “Can I spit now?”

“Of course,” I said.

Carefully she bent over and tried to spit, but missed the head. Instead, she used her tongue to make me wet.

“It’s tempting to start practising oral sex right now,” she said laughing.

“We will get to that another day,” I said while she kept practising. “First, I should tell you about the two basic kinds of sexual stimulation. One is mechanical and the other energetic. Right now, you are primarily stimulating me in a mechanical way.”

“Ok,” she said. “Will you also show me how to stimulate you energetically?”

“Yes,” I said. “All you need to do is to stop what you are doing now. Instead, you should touch me with both hands without moving them and without trying to please me.”

“Like this?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Just keep your hands perfectly still.”

For a little while, we were both quiet while she was staring at her hands. The pleasure from her touch was intense, and for the first time that day, I had to concentrate on staying in the role as her teacher.

“You have a lot of energy in your hands,” I said. “Can you feel the warmth?”

“Yes,” she said, still looking at her hands. “I once did a healing course, and I had the same sensation in my hands as I do right now.”

“Right now you are applying your energy through an area where my skin is very thin and sensitive,” I said. “This makes the sensation very strong. You can do the same all over my body, and if you use your breasts, your hair, your feet or tongue, it creates different kinds of sensation.”

For a while, she continued touching me while occasionally moving her hands a little. The sensation kept getting stronger, and suddenly she got up from the floor and started kissing me again. This time her kiss was fluent and playful.

“You are a fast learner,” I said when she withdrew. “Do you have any questions?”

“Yes,” she said. “Is it true that a man becomes frustrated if he doesn’t cum when having sex?”

“For a lot of men it is like that,” I said.

“If you want me to make you cum, you need to show me how,” she said.

“It will not be necessary,” I said. “Within sex, there are two fundamental forces. One is based on desire, and the other is based on love. When being desirous, energy accumulates in the body, but when being loving, you create a flow that discharges the energy. The urge for ejaculation and orgasm is partly a result of too much accumulated energy.”

“And right now we are in a loving space?”

“Yes,” I said. “Whenever I am in this kind of space, I am basically in a constant state of orgasm and have no urge to ejaculate.”

“That’s interesting,” she said, “but I would still like for you to teach me how to make you cum.”

“We will get to that,” I said, “but right now I think we should stop. Until I know you a little better, I want to make sure that we are not moving too fast. Opening up like this might make you react in ways that I cannot predict.”

“In what kind of ways?” she asked.

“Opening an intimate space like today will change something inside you,” I said. “How you will react is difficult to say. The next days you might be happy and relieved, but you might also become lonely, sad, vulnerable or even frustrated. We should talk in a few days, and if you feel good, we can agree on how to continue.”

After getting dressed, we made fresh tea and sat in the kitchen, talking for half an hour. When Elena was ready to leave, I called her a taxi. In the doorway, she stopped and looked at me.

“I once fantasized about being tied up while having sex,” she said. “Do you have experience with this?”

“Yes,” I said, “If you wish I will be happy to explore bondage with you later on. You can just make a list of areas you would like to explore.”

“Great,” she said. “It might also turn me on if you put one hand around my throat and applied a little pressure when we kiss.”

“I will be happy to do that next time,” I said. “When we move on, I will need you to tell me much more about your bodily reactions. As we start working, we might discover things about your sexuality that you never imagined.”

“I’m beginning to see how much I have to learn,” she said. “I hope you will help me define my boundaries.”

“Naturally,” I said, “but just remember that everything can change with time or in accordance with your partner’s profile. You might be submissive with one person, but dominant with another. Certain parts of my sexuality are fixed, but other parts are completely flexible.”

“Ok,” she said. “Then I just have one last question. How long will I remain a virgin?”

“If we work once a week,” I said, “and if nothing unpredicted happens, I estimate that you are ready to lose your virginity in 4 weeks.”